How to Build Positive, Healthy Relationships: 6 Helpful Tips

Sitting in my car crying, feeling somewhat hopeless, a thought hit me. I did not have positive, healthy relationships in my life.

My relationships were shallow and a little self-serving.

Realizing you need more positive relationships is hard to accept, but at 22 with the excitement of life in front of me, it was an epiphany and a reality check.

Despite having a good job, a car, a nice apartment, friends, and a boyfriend, I was lonely.

In my zest to surround myself with friends, I did not focus on how to build positive, healthy relationships.

Taylor Swift sings in her song “22”, “we’re happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time.”

I don’t think feelings of confusion and loneliness end on your 23rd birthday. If you don’t learn how to build healthy relationships, they may never develop and you will feel ‘confused and lonely’ regardless of your age.

Positive relationships don’t suddenly appear and thrive. Positive relationships take a lot of work.

At that stage of my young life, I had not planted deep seeds in others’ lives.

On that sad day, I started the slow process of redirecting my life and relationships.

I became aware of needed personal changes and decided to find people who wanted to join me in my quest to learn how to build positive, healthy relationships.

Jesus Built Positive, Healthy Relationships

Studying the life of Jesus helps you understand the importance of positive relationships.

The son of God born sinless and without fault sought out and embraced many different relationships in His life.

When Jesus began His ministry one of His important assignments was to find and call disciples to join Him.

Jesus built positive relationships and had others beside Him to fulfill His great call.

“He climbed a mountain and invited those he wanted with him. They climbed together. He settled on twelve and designated them, apostles. The plan was that they would be with him, and he would send them out to proclaim the Word”

Mark 3:16-19 MSG

How exciting it must have been to be selected by Jesus having the opportunity to walk beside Him and be part of His tribe for three years!

Although we were not part of that long-ago mission, Jesus showed us the importance of positive relationships.

We can be excited about the tribe we are assigned to. We can also be assured that Jesus calls us to our mission and walks beside us. We just need to find our people.

A study on the benefits of relationships by Northwestern Medicine summarizes why building positive relationships is important:

“As humans, the relationships we form with other people are vital to our mental and emotional wellbeing, and really, our survival. Humans have an inherent desire to be close to other people.

To connect and build relationships. While a man stranded on an island, talking to a volleyball (you remember the movie!) isn’t necessarily “healthy,” his compulsion for company is.

That’s because the fact of the matter is, healthy relationships (romantic relationships, friendships, familial relationships — they all count!) can help make for a healthier overall life.

But what exactly does a healthy relationship look like? A positive relationship can be shared between any two people who love, support, encourage, and help each other practically as well as emotionally.”

There are as many types of relationships as there are people; simple, complex, temporary, long-lasting, hard, and easy.

However, like our own lives, relationships are a journey and are either growing and healthy, sick and in need of care, or dying and needing to be removed.

Positive relationships rooted in and supported by personal growth through Jesus are stronger and can endure more heartache and struggle.

Why Positive Relationships Are Important

I discovered when I was 22, that not all relationships are created equal.

Whether you are pursuing friendship or romance there is a difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships.

Building positive relationships begins with two people who are pursuing and nurturing personal growth.

Healthy does not mean perfect. It means the relationships where you spend most of your time offer mutual value and authenticity and operate from a place of love and respect.

Why is building positive, healthy relationships important? Because people are either adding and multiplying or subtracting and dividing from your life. It is best to spend as much time and resources on those people who add and multiply.

Positive relationships help you grow and contribute happiness and contentment to your life. They make life better.

Unfortunately, unhealthy relationships exist and we can’t eliminate them.

But you can learn to identify the importance of building positive relationships, place boundaries around negative relationships, and grow through relationship failures, struggles and discouragement.

When you invest time with healthy, positive people, you have more support and emotional margin to manage the people that subtract from your life,

“By yourself, you’re unprotected. With a friend, you can face the worst. Can you round up a third? A three-stranded rope isn’t easily snapped.”

Ecclesiastes 4:12 MSG

How to Build Healthy Relationships

Learning how to build healthy relationships takes time.

I am an extrovert and enjoy meeting new people and building relationships. They just weren’t all healthy or positive. Quantity does not lead to quality.

Introverts need healthy relationships too. Regardless of our personality, we crave deep, meaningful positive relationships.

We initially learn to build relationships with our parents and siblings. We then move to build relationships with friends, romantic interests, and our children.

Making relationships whole and positive is where the work comes in. You have to decide to invest in your people and learn how to build healthy relationships with your family and others.

We learn how to build healthy relationships through our faith, studying the Bible, other resources, and experience.

The most important factor in our ability to have healthy relationships is our relationship with Christ. Our faith gives us a new identity and new desire to be more like Jesus which impacts how we see ourselves and how we interact with others. Jesus helps us grow emotionally and spiritually.

Positive relationships don’t develop using a certain formula.

Building healthy relationships takes flexibility, learning about others, giving people room to grow, personal growth, understanding the type of relationship we are in, and trust that God is weaving through each relationship.

If we look at Jesus’ relationship with his disciples, we learn how to build healthy relationships.

Jesus spent time with His disciples. He used opportunities to talk to them, mentor them, and listen to them. He loved them unconditionally and included them in His journey. He helped His disciples feel what we all seek…to belong, be relevant, beloved, and be valued.

The hardest part of building positive relationships is being intentional with your time instead of letting people arbitrarily occupy space. Once we find our people, we need to invest in them.

Life is better when you work together building positive relationships with the people you love.

6 Tips for Positive, Healthy Relationships

Through the test of time and the highs and lows of relationships, I’ve learned tips for building positive relationships.

Since that pivotal moment when I took relationship inventory, these are 6 important things in positive relationships.

1. Choose Relationships Wisely

Building positive relationships starts with who you choose to let into your life. We don’t get to choose certain relationships such as neighbors, coworkers, and family.

But you do get to choose the relationships to which you devote most of your time and energy (excluding your children, they are completely yours, at least until they become adults!)

Once you embark on a new friendship or romantic interest, you can learn to choose relationships wisely and pull back if they become unhealthy or toxic.

Building positive relationships is difficult if both people are not healthy individually. When you are spiritually and emotionally whole, you choose better.

If you are at the starting line of a new relationship and red flags are flying, take a step back, pray, and find clarity on whether to proceed. You can stop and ask yourself if you are encouraged and challenged to grow through this relationship or just drained.

If you are already in a relationship that is unhealthy, you can work on making it healthier with the aspects you can control. Learning how to build positive relationships never stops.

2. The Importance of Communication in Positive Relationships

Honest, encouraging communication is vital when learning how to build healthy relationships.

Communication in positive relationships is a complex issue that is beyond two people talking. It involves tone, timing, and knowing when you talk too much or too little.

Strong communication in a relationship is crucial. Positive communication is the foundation for two people connecting.

Body language and your ability to listen are two vital ingredients of communication in any relationship.

When you say the right thing but your expression or posture disagrees, it is negative communication. The key to communication in a relationship starts with the condition of your heart.

When you see others through God’s eyes and are secure in His acceptance and love, you become a better listener and communicator.

3. The Importance of Forgiveness in Healthy Relationships

Forgiveness is a choice. Building positive relationships requires us to understand the benefits of forgiveness.

At 22, I would have argued this point, but now embrace the importance of forgiveness in healthy relationships.

Understanding the benefits of forgiveness makes practicing forgiving a bit easier.

When building positive relationships, you will have many opportunities to practice forgiveness despite how much you love the person.

In the book of Matthew, Jesus responded to Peter’s question, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!”

To forgive ‘seventy times seven’ sounds like an exaggeration, but being a good forgiver brings freedom and is a cornerstone to building positive relationships.

The more you forgive, the better you get at forgiveness. The better you get at forgiveness the more you avoid bitterness and resentment taking residence in your heart and soul so that you love freely in your relationships.

4. Healthy Relationship Boundaries

To build healthy relationships, you need healthy boundaries. When you have healthy relationship boundaries, they are the backbone of truly enjoying other people.

Without boundaries, there is frustration with others and you can also lose yourself.

Having healthy relationship boundaries helps you understand what you need to protect and function freely with others.

Boundaries are not restrictions but quite the opposite; a clear line is drawn between what is yours and what is not.

It is impossible to build positive relationships without healthy boundaries.

5. Keep Expectations in Check 

Building positive relationships requires that you keep expectations in check. Your expectations are a strong belief that something will happen how you envision it.

When we don’t keep expectations in check they tend to take over our emotions and deposit resentment and disappointment.

This was a problem for me that I didn’t realize until I began building positive relationships.

My biggest expectations were a result of my lack of spiritual identity and my search to feel wholly known and loved.

Because I was not whole and complete in Christ, I struggled to keep expectations in check. I expected others to fill my empty spots or complete me.

No one but Jesus can complete us, so the unrealistic expectation to be completed by anyone leads to disappointment.

There are many types of expectations. Some expectations are healthy, but unrealistic expectations destroy healthy relationships and leave you feeling empty.

6. Practice How to Love Unconditionally

In healthy relationships, you practice how to love unconditionally often. Practicing how to love unconditionally is a lifelong process and is only possible through the lens of Jesus.

It is easy to love some people unconditionally but some relationships are hard. When building positive relationships you get tons of practice in loving unconditionally.

Your relationship with Christ is how you transform your thoughts and spirit and become more like Him. He is the greatest model for true, pure everlasting love.

Loving unconditionally helps you live in and model healthy relationships.

^“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV

I am honored and humbled to enjoy more healthy, positive relationships than I did as a young adult. Understanding and learning the important things in a relationship has not been easy.

There will be pain, discomfort, mistakes, and loss, but relationships are worth it.

Building positive relationships is ongoing and an important part of a thriving life.

Although I wish it were possible to tell my 22-year-old self it would be ok, the struggles I have experienced have helped me grow closer to God.

The journey has taught me how to build healthy relationships and fully enjoy the people I am fortunate to be connected with and call friends.

Before you go…What have you learned about how to build healthy relationships? How have you invested in building positive relationships in your life?

Author

Mary Rooney Armand

Mary is the creator and writer for the faith-based blog ButterflyLiving.org. Her writing is featured on multiple websites. She is the author of “Identity, Understanding, and Accepting Who I Am in Christ”  and “Life Changing Stories“—a collaboration with 34 authors available on Amazon.